It started with an ad that materialized on my screen for no apparent reason.
“With CHANTIX, you can keep smoking at first and ease into quitting.”
I don’t smoke, hadn’t been searching for anything cigarette-related, and—whoa, what was that goggle-eyed bird doing in a smoking-cessation ad?
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I learned about Death Wish Coffee too late to include it in my week of death brands posts. But better late (haha) than never.
Image via AdFreak.
Death Wish comes with a caveat:
Disclaimer: This is not your regular morning coffee. This is not your store bought coffee. You will not find this coffee at your local diner or at your sissy Starbucks. Death Wish Coffee is the most highly caffeinated premium dark roast organic coffee in the world. This is Extreme Coffee, not for the weak. Consider yourself Warned.
One pound—beans or ground—costs $19.99.
Too bad Death cigarettes (1991-1999) aren’t still around. They’d be the perfect accompaniment to a cup of Death Wish.
Image from Making the Modern World.
Death cigarettes were the brainchild of British branding guy B.J. Cunningham. Watch a 2010 video of Cunningham talking about—what else?—branding.
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Cigar-store Indians—those once-ubiquitous carved statues that advertised tobacco shops—began disappearing from U.S. sidewalks more than 50 years ago. But on my ramblings around San Francisco I’ve taken note of their 21st-century folk-art equivalent: cigar men. Not men with cigars: cigar-shaped men. They’re slightly surreal and completely wonderful.
Here’s a studious-looking specimen in front of International House of Wine (no website), in the theater district at 395 Geary Street:
There’s a Turkish-stereotype (or Shriner-stereotype) cigar man in front of Dean’s Fine Cigars at 715 Market Street.
And on the other side of the door there’s an endangered cigar-store Indian gazing skyward.
I think he’s saying, “Oy vey—it’s come to this?” On behalf of all European-American usurpers, I apologize.
I couldn’t help noticing that the skinny yet muscular arms of the fez-wearing cigar bear a strong resemblance to those of International House of Wine’s cigar man. The same artist, perhaps?
There’s a clue on the base of the Dean’s sign:
It turns out that Back to the Drawing Board has done a lot of inventive advertising art in San Francisco and Grass Valley. Until I checked out his (her? their?) website, I hadn’t realized that the non-cigar sidewalk sign in front of Creative Marketing Concepts, at 572 Market Street, came from Back to the Drawing Board.
Sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar. It’s a fountain pen!
The cigar men seem to have replaced a more realistic genre of street advertising, as seen in this photo I took in 2009 on Third Street near SFMOMA.
Here’s his weird yet worthy replacement, in front of Zain’s Liquor:
Well, helloooo, Mr. Disco Collar with the soulful eyes!
Are these artifacts unique to San Francisco, or do other cities have them, too?
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For other examples of folk-art advertising signs, see my post about muffler men.
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Back for more fun with fictitious brands from The Simpsons! This year's edition includes brands spotted in The Simpsons Movie, which was released in July 2007 and is now available on DVD. I've also added some new categories: publishing, civic life, culture, industry, military, and sports and recreation. And I've expanded the transportation category; it's now called Travel and Lodging. Dates, when available, refer to original broadcast. Thanks to everyone who left suggestions and comments on the original post, and special thanks to linguist Heidi Harley, whose posts on Simpsons linguistic phenomena inspired this quixotic endeavor.
UPDATE: Simpsons Brand-o-Rama 3 (posted June 2009).
Food and Beverage
Sconewall Bakery (in Springfield's gay neighborhood; hat tip: Neal Whitman)
Dr. Hippie's Fungus Yums (what Lisa gives to Bart when he decides to give up meat; "Apocalypse Cow," 4/27/08)
Lobsterpolitan (what Homer gets when he asks bartender Moe for "the fanciest drink you got"; "Midnight Towboy," 10/7/07)
Tannen's Fatty Meats (in Springfield's Lower East Side)
Tomacco (Homer's tomato-tobacco hybrid, created when he fertilizes his tomato and tobacco fields with plutonium."E-I-E-I [Annoyed Grunt]," 11/7/99. Although Homer's production method was fictional, in 2003 a real farmer, Rob Baur of Lake Oswego, Oregon, successfully grafted a tomato plant onto the roots of a tobacco plant.)
Beef-O-Ghetti (made in Springfield's Little Italy)
Pepsi B ("for export only"; "Eight Misbehaving," 11/21/99; hat tip: Dave Blake)
The Clogger (new offering from Krusty burger; slogan: "If you can find a greasier burger, you're in Mexico"; The Simpsons Movie)
Fudd Beer (which made all those hillbillies go blind; "Colonel Homer," 3/26/92 (hat tip: Flick)
Chippos (hat tip: Pete K.)
Gorilla's Choice bananas (hat tip: George Cauldron)
Krusty O's Cereal ("Now with a free jagged metal O in every box!" Hat tip: James)
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I was inspired by linguist Heidi Harley's catalog of Simpsons linguistic phenomena to start a parallel list of fictitious brand names used on episodes of The Simpsons.
It's a tough job--much tougher than I'd imagined--and, frankly, nobody has to do it. Nevertheless, I did it. Or at least took a preliminary stab. The job was made somewhat easier by the gnomes of Wikipedia, the Simpson Crazy fan site, and this directory interactive map of Springfield. (UPDATED with new URL and cooler map.)
There's a backlog of episodes whose scripts still haven't been uploaded to fan sites, and I didn't begin taking notes until this year, so the list is weighted toward the 1990s. Dates, when provided, refer to an episode's first airing. And yes, this is a work in progress, so feel free to add a comment with your own favorites.
UPDATE: Simpsons Brand-o-Rama Part Deux (posted June 2008) is here. And Part Trois (posted June 2009) is here.
Food and Beverage
Duff Beer (also Duff Lite)
Squishee (crushed-ice beverage sold at the Kwik-E-Mart)
Buzz Cola (also Crystal Buzz Cola)
Mellow Yellow, Mr. Ripe, Peel King (banana brands; "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson," 5/18/97)
Red Tick Beer (tagline: Suck One Dry; "The Springfield Files," 1/12/97)
Powersauce Bar (tagline: Unleash the Power of Apples; label copy: "A bushel of apples packed in each bar, plus a secret ingredient that unleashes the awesome power of apples"; "King of the Hill," 5/3/98 [predating the animated series of the same name])
Stabby O's cereal ("Bye Bye Nerdie," 3/11/01)
Ah, Fudge! ("Sweet and Sour Marge," 1/20/02)
Toaster Pies
Restaurants
Le Snotterie (fancy French restaurant; "Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase," 5/11/97)
Sha-B00m-Ka-Boom Café (shaped like a mushroom cloud; serves burgers named Little Boy [$3.95] and Fat Man [$12.95]; "Homer Phobia," 2/16/97)
Up, Up and Buffet ("Natural Born Kissers," 5/17/98)
The Singing Sirloin ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)
The Frying Dutchman (12/16/01)
Phineas Q. Butterfat 5600 Flavor Ice Cream Parlor
Lard Lad Donuts (soon to be a deluxe boxed figure)
Wall E. Weasel's (parody of Nolan "Atari" Bushnell's Chuck E. Cheese)
Chez Guevara
Der Krazy Kraut
Facestuffer's
The Gilded Truffle
The French Confection
Fatso's Hash House ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)
The Flapjack Stack
Greaser's Café
The Hungry Hun
The Happy Sumo
Paté LaBelle
Pizza on a Stick
The Rusty Barnacle
P. Piggly Hogswine Super-Smorg
TGI McScratchy's Good Time Fooddrinkery
The Spaghetti Laboratory (parody of The Old Spaghetti Factory)
A Taste of Arabia
Two Guys from Kabul
Palais du Donut
What They Eat in Iceland
The Municipal House of Pancakes
Jittery Joe's Coffee Shop
Much Ado About Muffins (tagline: To Eat or Not to Eat; "My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)
Kentucky Fried Panda
Bloater's at the Squidport (the place to go for Jell-O shooters)
The Karachi Hibachi
Professor P.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery
Planet Springfield ("Lisa the Tree Hugger," 11/19/2000)
At the Mall (and on Main Street)
Kwik-E-Mart
33¢ Store (parody of 99¢ Stores)
66¢ Store
My First Tattoo (tattoos for kids; "My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)
Family Jewels
It's a Wonderful Knife (3/2/97)
I Can't Believe It's Not Trayfe! (store in Krusty the Klown's old neighborhood; parody of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! spread)
Abercrombie & Rich
Wee Monsieur (boys' clothing)
All Creatures Great and Cheap (pet store)
Costington's (the upscale department store)
12-Day Dry Cleaners ("City of New York vs. Homer Simpson," 9/21/97)
99-Cent Furniture (ditto)
House of No Refunds
Malaria Zone ("My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)
The Leftorium (Ned Flanders's store selling products for left-handed people: "When Flanders Failed," 10/3/91)
Sportacus (athletic goods)
Bloodbath & Beyond Gun Shop ("The Cartridge Family," 11/2/97)
Yee's Old Towne (in Chinatown)
Pone, Pelts and Beyond ("Simpsons Tall Tales," 5/20/01)
Simply Shoes (and Athletic Equipment and Activewear) ("The Homer They Fall," 11/10/96)
Miscellaneous, Etc. (ditto)
One Size Fits All Lingerie (ditto)
Toys 'L' Us (toy store in Chinatown; "A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love," 12/2/01)
Shell Shack
Kid Stuff
Li'l Bastard products (the "Acme" brand of The Simpsons; products include Li'l Bastard Catapult, Li'l Bastard Brainwashing Kit, and Li'l Bastard General Mischief Kit)
Thumbstitute (to wean Maggie off her pacifier; 3/13/07)
Junior Skeptic Magazine ("The Springfield Files," 1/12/97)
Malibu Stacy (Barbie parody; accessories include the Malibu Stacy Lunar Rover)
Adults Only
The Golden Banana (male strip joint)
Nude-E-Mart (Apu's combination strip club/convenience store; tagline: Topless Dancers! Bottomless Coffee!; 3/8/98)
Playdude magazine
The Pimento Grove (what passes for sophisticated nightlife in Springfield)
Laramie cigarettes (including Laramie Extra-Tar, "now with more nico-glycerol")
The Gutter Room (bar where Krusty goes on a bender in "The Last Temptation of Krust," 2/22/98)
Blotto's (ditto)
The Bloated Liver (ditto)
Entertainment
Toon Beat magazine
Granny Fanny (magazine found at Springfield Air Force Base)
Sir Putts-a-Lot Merrie Old Fun Center (mini-golf course)
Duff Gardens (parody of Busch Gardens)
Dizz Nee Land
KrustyLu Studios (parody of DesiLu Studios)
Itchy & Scratchy Land (and Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land)
Paramountie Studios (in Canada, eh: 5/18/99)
Canadian Graffiti (parody of American Graffiti; tagline: Obey the Rules)
Biclops (worst-ever superhero; wears glasses)
VHS Village, Formerly Beta Barn
Religion
Presbylutherans
Bed Bath & Baha'i
Movementarianism ("The Joy of Sect," 2/8/98)
Church of Latter-Day Druids ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)
Whiskey a God God (ditto)
Temple Beth Springfield
Cathedral of the Downtown
Transportation
Canyonero (tagline: The Cadillac of Automobiles)
OK Car ral (where Homer bought his Canyonero)
Armistead Mopeds
No-Frills Airlines
SkyAmeriWestica
TransHemispheric Airlines
Li'l Lugger Trailer ("You Only Move Twice," 11/3/96)
U-Break-It Van Rental ("City of New York vs. Homer Simpson," 9/21/97)
Sit-N-Stare Bus Lines ("Realty Bites," 12/7/97)
Technology
Compuglobalhypermeganet (an ISP created by Homer)
America Onlink
Niagular cell phone service
The Java Server (Internet café)
Real Estate
Gritz-Carlton Hotel (hotel in Branson, Missouri, where Abe and Zelda tryst)
Spinster City Apartments (where Marge's sisters Patty and Selma Bouvier live)
Who's to Know Motel
Shtickfair (Krusty's estate; a spoof of Pickfair)
Casa Nova: A Transitional Place for Singles ("A Millhouse Divided," 12/1/96)
Calmwood Mental Hospital (slogan: We Now Treat March Madness!; "Hurricane Neddy," 12/29/96)
Aphrodite Inn--Fantasy Suites & Conference Center
New Haven Uptown Uniplex ("Burns, Baby, Burns," 11/17/96)
New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting
The Happy Earwig Motel
Education
Springfield Knowledgeum (tagline: Where Science Is Explained with Brightly Colored Balls)
Ayn Rand School for Tots ("A Streetcar Named Marge," 10/1/92)
Miss Tillingham's School for Snooty Girls and Mama's Boys
Rommelwood Military Academy (tagline: A Tradition of Heritage)
Disco Stu's Can't Stop the Learnin' Disco Academies ("The Twisted World of Marge Simpson," 1/19/97)
Health and Beauty
Luda-Crest toothpaste (spokesman: rap star Ludacris; sample lyric: "I'm the enemy of the cavity/Unstoppable like gravity"; watch the video)
Loafer Lightener styling product ("Hungry Hungry Homer," 3/4/02)
Hairy Shearers Hair Salon (Harry Shearer is a longtime "voice" on the series)
Old Old Spice (Grandpa Simpson's aftershave)
Meryl Streep's Versatility perfume (tagline: Smell Like Streep for Cheep!; "A Streetcar Named Marge," 10/1/92)
Turn Your Head and Coif (beauty parlor)
The Perm Bank (beauty parlor; "A Milhouse Divided," 12/1/96)
Gee, Your Lip Looks Hairless (mustache wax used by Patty and Selma; "Principal Charming," 2/14/91)
In 'n' Out Ear Piercing (tagline: If It Dangles, We'll Punch a Hole in It; "The Simpson Tide," 3/29/98)
Pee N See Home Pregnancy Test
Nappian (Ambien-like sleeping pill that causes Homer to misbehave even more badly than usual; "Crook and Ladder," 5/6/07)
Repressitol (Milhouse's medication in "Bye Bye Nerdie," 3/11/01)
Financial
Merry Widow Insurance Company
Miscellaneous
Etern-a-Bond adhesive (tagline: Now with Death Grip!; label warning: In Case of Accidental Ingestion Consult a Mortician; "Lost Our Lisa," 5/10/98)
Federated Slaveholding (Mr. Burns is a shareholder; "The Old Man and the Lisa," 4/20/97)
Low Expectations Dating Service ("Selma's Choice," 1/21/93)
A-1 Baby Crutch Company
Dominex knee pads ("Crook and Ladder," 5/6/07)
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