Fritinancy

Mean Trees

Is this where Angry Birds build their nests?

 

Seen at Piedmont Grocery, Oakland.

From the Angry Orchard website:

Once upon a time hard cider was the drink of choice. We’ve been making ciders for decades… Now we want to share them with you. Branch out and experience our Angry Orchard.

“Hard” cider has about 5 percent alcohol. According to a press release, Angry Orchards ciders are “artisanal” (of course) and gluten free. The brand was introduced earlier this year in New England, Colorado, Maryland, and New York; last month it made its nationwide debut.

I couldn’t find an explanation for the brand name.* Maybe it takes a testy tree to make the bittersweet apples preferred for hard cider.

* But sharp-eyed reader Arma Virumque could, on the Origins page: “French bittersweet apples from Normandy are specifically selected and grown solely for making cider. ... Unlike other apple varieties, these apples are small and unattractive as table fruit, aggressively sharp and drying, to the point of looking angry.” 

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Administrative announcement: I’m taking several days off (and mostly offline). Comment publication will be a little slower than usual. See you back here in about a week.

Snacks and Violence, Cont'd

I’ve added a new category to the blog, “Aggression,” to cover what looks to be a mini-trend: overt hostility in snack-food advertising. Last year, you may recall, I reported on the Cheetos “Headbutt Your Mouth’s Face” campaign and on Ruffles’ Double-Fisted Bacon Cheeseburger chips. And now, thanks to the intrepid eaters over at Impulsive Buy (“Putting the ‘ew’ in product reviews”), I’ve learned the brand promise of Blue Ox Jerky: “Our jerky punches gas station jerky IN THE FACE.”

 

Photo enhanced from the original at Impulsive Buy.

Impulsive Buy contributor Adam reports that his sample pack included a bumper sticker:

“I guess they’re not exactly courting the female demographic, huh?” Adam observes.

The Blue Ox Jerky website carries over the theme:

 

“Fanciful woodland pixies” isn’t exactly “fairies,” but the implication is, nonetheless, clear. (Elsewhere, the home page declares that “Real Men Also Use Coupons—Get One on Our Facebook Page.”)

Speaking of fanciful, the website includes a legend—or a shaggy ox story—that rambles on about Paul Bunyan’s brother Saul and his adventures with the Swedish spice traders the Jürke brothers. As you may recall from your American folk history, the giant lumberjack Paul Bunyan had a blue ox named Babe. In the Blue Ox Jerky version, poor Babe gets trapped in a barn fire that brother Saul extinguishes with teriyaki sauce. Babe dies; jerky rises from the ashes.

BOJ products are divided into “Meats” and “Unmeats” (“Because we don’t believe in the word ‘vegetarian’”). A sticker announces that Smoked Tofu Jerky has been discontinued “for being pointless and disgusting.” But I love smoked tofu, you (and I) protest! Tough Bunyans: clicking on “Tofu Discontinued” takes you to a What Would Saul Do? quiz. Answer correctly and you earn your Man Card; slip up and your “Application for Manhood” is denied with a sneer: “Wrong choice, Sally. Try again, and maybe ask your boyfriend this time.”

Ouch.

How does Blue Ox Jerky taste? I defer to Adam at Impulsive Buy. He liked a couple of the flavors:

But judging by some of the beef jerky I’ve had from gas stations, the Blue Ox wouldn’t be able to last more than a few rounds in the ring. Still, it’s better than what you’ll find at the Dollar Store. Maybe they should change their slogan to “Punches Dollar Store Jerky in the Face.”

Or how about this: “We Put the Jerk in Jerky.”

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Speaking of face punching, head butting, etc., here’s a 2006 Canadian commercial for 7Up that goes beyond threats. Hat tip: Chris Smith.

Haters Gotta Eat

So the Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich Combo is “back with a vengeance.”

 

 

Snacks and Violence

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

 

Cheetos Flamin’ Hot: Headbutt Your Mouth’s Face.

 

1. My mouth has a face?

2. Surely facio-mouthal assault with a cheese-flavored snack food qualifies as a misdemeanor somewhere.

3. What would happen if Cheetos Flamin’ Hot challenged Ruffles Double-Fisted to a duel?

4. Answer: Humongous. Dental. Bill.

Double-Fisted

Questions not addressed on the Ruffles Double-Fisted Bacon Cheeseburger Flavor FAQ page (because there isn’t one):

 

 

 1. What exactly is “double-fisted” here—the bacon, the cheeseburger, the flavor, or the Ruffles chips?

2. If you hold a chip with two fists, won’t you end up with two fistfuls of crumbs?

3. Do “fisted” and “Ruffles” really belong together on a food package? Or anywhere?

4. Are double-fisted Ruffles what you get on the side when you order a bare-knuckled bucket of does?

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With thanks to Sukhraj Suki Beasla and Hugh McBride.