Welcome, students! Here’s your curriculum for the semester:
Course description: “Founded in Wayne, Pennsylvania in the autumn of 1992, Anthropologie remains a destination for women wanting a curated mix of clothing, accessories, gifts and home décor that reflects their personal style and fuels their lives' passions, from fashion to art to entertaining.”
Extra credit: Anthropologie has a charitable division called Philanthropie.
Course description: “Get connected today and take control of your money like never before.”
Instructor: Central Bank, Edmond, Oklahoma.
Course description: “Gourmet popcorn handcrafted in California.”
Extra credit: “Skimming through the course selection for next semester, you see biology, psychology, anthropology – but you’ll need to leave campus and head to Emeryville to study Cornology. Behold, the science of popcorn! A delectable curriculum for all ages!”
Course description: “Just-for-you prescription skincare for acne and anti-aging.”
Hey, teacher: Shouldn’t it be anti-acne and anti-aging?
Course description: “The first ever portable draft beer system that improves the flavor and taste of any can, bottle, or growler of beer to brewery fresh.”
Hey, teacher: Are “flavor” and “taste” distinct qualities?
Course description: “Go beyond the bottle. Think outside the tube. Set your sights on patches, the most effective and efficient way to treat your specific concerns outside of a doctor’s office.”
Extra credit: “We fill our patches with the most effective cosmeceutical ingredients, carefully researched and selected for their proven performance.”
Course description: “philosophy is the wellbeing beauty brand that inspires women to look, live, and feel their best.”
Extra credit: “in the spring of 1996, philosophy was founded by a skin-care visionary with the soul of a poet. inspired by the infinite possibilities of a beautiful rainbow, this American innovator with over 30 years of professional skin-care experience working with clinical skin-care laboratories, decided to share her knowledge, spread joy and celebrate beautiful skin as well as beautiful days.”
Hey, teacher: What’s up with the random capitals and the erratic punctuation?
Course description: “Tanknology is the world’s largest provider of tank testing and environmental compliance services for petroleum systems.”
Extra credit: Scary photos of corrosion.
Course description: “From growth plans and business strategies to new product innovation and market research, we customize our approach to each project to ensure we perfectly meet our client’s needs and drive success.” Based in Pleasanton, California.
Extra credit, with attitude:
Like the name Brandology?
We love the name Brandology. That’s why we trademarked it. And that’s why our attorney Brandon, who was raised by wild tigers, will fight to the death to protect it. His web bio doesn’t mention it, but every morning he flosses his teeth with barbed wire, shaves with a cheese grater, and then heads to his favorite workout, wrestling with pythons. On light days, he puts in an hour with the deadly snakes in preparation for “persuading” people who infringe on our trademark to stop. On heavy days, the pythons have been known to call for back-up.
So please…You’re creative. That’s why you considered the name “Brandology.” Use those creative juices to come up with another name that’s not already trademarked. Even though it will take some time, it will be fun, happy time — a stunning contrast to the time you’ll spend with Brandon if you try to use “Brandology.” Really. (It’s probably a little tacky to mention, but if you want our help naming your business, that’s something we do too.)
Every branding agency should have a lawyer named Brandon.