Perhaps you remember Earth Shoes—properly known as Kalsø Earth Shoes—which were invented in the late 1960s by a Danish yoga instructor and never went away, unfortunately. Oh, I’m sure there are people for whom that off-kilter “negative heel technology” has effected miracle cures. Personally, I’m relieved that a podiatrist told me never to wear them—they’re terrible for my particular foot structure—because I’d rather walk barefoot over burning coals than subject myself to that much clownitude.
However! About a year ago the Earth brand broke free of its orbit, so to speak, and introduced a new brand for women with the cute-if-not-exactly-inspired name Earthies. Unlike their hippie cousins, Earthies have platforms (yes!), heels (yes!), tapered toes (yes! yes!), and a semblance of up-to-dateness.
The Halley. Not bad at all!
I’ve tried on a couple of Earthies styles and found the wearing experience to be surprisingly pleasant. The “Wellness Footbed” inside the shoes has the most aggressive arch support I’ve ever worn, and because my feet have unnaturally high arches, I felt right at home.
However #2: That off-balance Earth Shoe heritage lives on—not in the shoes themselves but in the website copy, which is daffy at its best and deranged at its frequent worst.
Consider, for example, the description of the Seriph, a lace-up ankle boot on a treaded wedge sole:
With its delightful burst of faux shearling, sparkling eyelets, and richly brushed suede, the Seriph welcomes cooler temperatures with an enchanting mystique. Its spritely [sic] appeal is tempered by its sensible contoured footbed, balanced wedge heel, and textured outsole that keeps footing as firm as your spirits nimble. Little is more alluring than interest mixed with affection, so try and catch the Seriph … if you can.
“Sparkling eyelets”? Madam, have you ever said to yourself, “I just had to buy these boots—the eyelets sparkled so enticingly!” If you have, your shoe problem is even more alarming than mine.
As for “Try and catch the Seriph ... if you can,” what the what? Does this boot have wheels? Wings? A jet pack?
Then there’s the minor weirdness of the measurements. The Seriph’s platform is precisely 0.39 inches high; its heel stands exactly 2.60 inches tall. No other shoe manufacturer sweats those particular details to this bizarre degree.
Let’s move along, shall we, to the Saravena, a graceful suede pump that reminds me of the shoes I used to wear for Argentine tango. The copy, though, reminds me of the inadvertently hilarious things my Argentine teachers used to say:
When the Saravena sweeps across the floor, it’s a stunning sight – the resplendent suede straps, the subtly rounded toe, the dazzling accent buckle. Partner it with a unique contoured wellness footbed, and your feet just can’t help but be lavished in comfort. Satiated by its many virtues, ultimately there’s only one thing left to say: Maestro, if you please!
Resplendent suede straps? Satiated by its many virtues? Oh, Maestro, please don’t.
Those examples are not exceptions. On the contrary:
- “When the evening is meant to be void of compromises, the Tatana ensures you needn’t make any.” Void of compromises?
- “Flirtation is said to be attention without intention, but trust us, you’ll really want the Javelle.” Trust us?
- “Equal parts haunting and equal parts flawless, the Mareesa features an uninterrupted display of premium leather.” How many equal parts does that add up to?
- “To get there, the Fabienne takes an open road, suiting up with wrapped straps, bold buckles, and irreverent stud detailing.” Irreverent stud detailing?
- “Bewitching in its shapely silhouette, the Ramini casts a spell of enraptured illusion. For, betwixt its faux lacing and full-length zipper, the easily-accessible boot transforms functionality into effortless fashion.” Betwixt?
Who writes this stuff? A disgruntled dropout from a minor writers’ workshop? Is the copywriting outsourced to Bangalore or Tallinn, where batteries of recent high-school graduates equipped only with Google Translate work feverishly against the clock? Is the copy generated by the same Odd English software that spews out spam blog comments?
Perhaps the answer is hiding in plain sight in the copy for the Tarnow pump: “We may wonder, but moreso [sic], we just marvel and enjoy.”
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UPDATE: Read San Francisco Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll’s brilliant riff on Earthies.
Irreverent Stud Detailing. I want it on a business card. Or perhaps I'll answer the phone with that phrase. Wow.
I also want the Halley.
Meanwhile, I'm troubled by Seriph. It's neither "serif" nor "seraph," and it just rankles.
Posted by: Jessica | September 07, 2011 at 08:10 AM
Maybe they're lost entries for the Bulwer-Lytton contest?
Posted by: MaryL | September 10, 2011 at 03:14 PM