Sweetheart, bubbeleh, have I got a shirt for you! It’s from those lovely twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, just 24 years old and, maybe you haven’t heard, they have their own line of clothing! It’s called Elizabeth and James, because they have a sister Elizabeth and a brother James. Such nice family girls, Mary-Kate and Ashley!
So it’s a very nice white shirt, which of course is a must-have! And look! It has your name.
“Polish Cohen”? I ask you: Where did a couple of shikses named Olsen come up with that? I mean, it’s not as though they’re also selling the Goldberg Pants or the Markowitz Dress. (Although I wouldn’t exactly object to a Friedman Skirt. Just saying!) No, we’ve got the Bogart trenchcoat and the Emery blazer and the Emma maxi skirt (which, you should pardon me for saying so, looks like it should be called the Grateful Dead I Need a Miracle Skirt). Totally goyish! Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
Oh, and here’s the really meshuggeneh thing: Polish Cohen has relatives! No, not the Lithuanian Cohen and the Somewhere-Near-Kiev Cohen. I’m talking about the Back-Zip Cohen, 50 percent off (such a deal!) at The Outnet.
And the Wilderness Cohen, which Saks Fifth Avenue calls (what else?) a must-have.
Their wilderness is not my wilderness.
And for those warm-weather months—or maybe the Hadassah convention in Miami Beach—we have the Summer Cohen, available at SSense.
Kind of plain, I know—it would kill them to add some ruffles?—but nice and roomy, so you can nosh to your heart’s content!
So maybe you can explain this Cohen business to me? Because honestly, bubbeleh, I don’t understand.
Oh, and happy Passover!