Remember last year’s Underwear Week? Fun times, right? It’s been less than a year since our celebration, but with Valentine’s Day bearing down on us, I thought you might appreciate a quick update and a shopping list.
Actually, it’s more like a shopping blacklist: underwear brand names likely to embarrass both you and the object of your affection. Caveat emptor!
Belabumbum. It’s a lingerie and maternity line based in Surprise, Arizona. (Would I make that up?) The name supposedly means “beautiful bottom” in Portuguese, but after I read that the founders have “brought together a ‘mafia’ of smart, motivated women who build on each others’s [sic] strengths and values”—well, all I could think of was “Bada Bing.”
FarmaCell Milk Shorts. Even if your products are “made with a revolutionary natural yarn derived from milk proteins”—heck, especially if the yarn is derived from milk proteins—it’s not a great idea to associate underwear with “milk.” Or “farm.” Or, for that matter, “cell.” Sure, you say it’s short for “cellulite.” But how can I be sure it doesn’t stand for “celibacy”?
HOTmilk nursing bra. Speaking of milk, do we have to? On the other hand, as GrammarHulk observed in a tweet: “AT LEAST IT NOT HOT MILF.” (The owners of HOTmilk have, however, published a book titled You Sexy Mother.)
The OverBra. A mysterious name, because this garment fits under the bra. Oh, and a word to the wise: Shapewear does not make a good gift. No one wants her honey suggesting that she needs some extra Spandex to contain her jiggly parts.
Squeem. I wrote about this Brazilian shapewear brand in 2006, but since some of you weren’t even born then, I thought I’d mention it again as a public service. I can’t imagine that the brand name sounds any better in Portuguese than it does in English; maybe “squeem” is what you do, involuntarily, when you’re trussed up in one of these “magical” compression garments.
Photo by CB.