When you title your blog IWriteFunny.com, you'd damn well better deliver. Fortunately, Aaron Weiss does. This spot-on parody of the Cook's Illustrated writing style, for example, made me--a Cook's Illustrated devotee--laugh out loud:
In my first effort to produce a reliable boiled water, I began with a cylindrical steel container, or “pot” as often called for in traditional recipes. Placing the pot four inches away from the flame, the water did eventually come to a boil, but it took six hours. This might have been acceptable in our grandparents’ day, but many of us no longer have so much time to spare. I then moved the pot closer, a mere two inches from the flame. Indeed, the water boiled in just three hours – a big improvement.
(Hat tip: Karen.)
But it was the Swiftian flair of My Year of Cannibalism that had me rolling on the floor:
I know what you’re thinking. How did I get enough fiber? My cholesterol must have gone through the roof! But I developed a system.
First, it is important to eat at least five servings of vegetarian per day. If you can eat vegans, so much the better, but they can be a little bland so you need to alternate them with someone tastier, like pastry chefs. When I need a buzz I choose men with large beer guts. On special occasions I like small children. They don’t offer a lot in the way of nutritional value, but their young and tender muscles are like butter. I do not eat actual butter because it comes from cows, and that’s just wrong.
Because Weiss is a sustainable kind of guy, he has a locavorian angle:
Try to eat people who live within 50 miles of your home. They will not have to travel as far, which will reduce your carbon footprint while eliminating theirs.
And he works in "manivorous," a most excellent man-word. And you know I love me some man-words.