Fritinancy

Paris Hilton and the Russian Reversal

Bible student/Zen mistress Paris Hilton, full of post-pokey philosophy, solemnly told Larry King Wednesday that she has a new outlook on life: "Don't serve the time; let the time serve you."

That statement is a good example of what's known to students of contemporary language as a Russian reversal. The original version went something like this:

In America, you go to the party.

In Soviet Russia, the party goes to you!

In other words, subject and object are reversed in the two halves of the joke, with "Soviet Russia" leading the second statement. The form was popularized by Ukrainian emigré comedian Yakov Smirnoff.

As usual, Uncyclopedia has the last word on the Russian reversal.

Update: Well, maybe not the last last word. I just learned, via Language Log, of the newish Snowclones Database being cultivated by Erin O'Connor (who describes herself as "an animal-loving linguistics geek artist"). (A snowclone is a particular kind of cliché: "X is the new Y" or “If Eskimos have N words for snow, X surely have Y words for Z.”) Erin classifies the Russian reversal as a snowclone--"In Soviet Russia, X Ys You!"--and also as a variation on chiasmus, the term in rhetoric for a "crossover" trope. And she links to Chiasmus.com, where you can revel in chiastic quotes from Mae West ("It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men"), Cicero ("One should eat to live, not eat to live"), and other great crossover artists.

Simpsons Brand-o-Rama

I was inspired by linguist Heidi Harley's catalog of Simpsons linguistic phenomena to start a parallel list of fictitious brand names used on episodes of The Simpsons.

It's a tough job--much tougher than I'd imagined--and, frankly, nobody has to do it. Nevertheless, I did it. Or at least took a preliminary stab. The job was made somewhat easier by the gnomes of Wikipedia, the Simpson Crazy fan site, and this directory  interactive map of Springfield. (UPDATED with new URL and cooler map.)

There's a backlog of episodes whose scripts still haven't been uploaded to fan sites, and I didn't begin taking notes until this year, so the list is weighted toward the 1990s. Dates, when provided, refer to an episode's first airing. And yes, this is a work in progress, so feel free to add a comment with your own favorites.

UPDATE: Simpsons Brand-o-Rama Part Deux (posted June 2008) is here. And Part Trois (posted June 2009) is here.

Food and Beverage

Duff Beer (also Duff Lite)

Squishee (crushed-ice beverage sold at the Kwik-E-Mart)

Buzz Cola (also Crystal Buzz Cola)

Mellow Yellow, Mr. Ripe, Peel King (banana brands; "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson," 5/18/97)

Red Tick Beer (tagline: Suck One Dry; "The Springfield Files," 1/12/97)

Powersauce Bar (tagline: Unleash the Power of Apples; label copy: "A bushel of apples packed in each bar, plus a secret ingredient that unleashes the awesome power of apples"; "King of the Hill," 5/3/98 [predating the animated series of the same name])

Stabby O's cereal ("Bye Bye Nerdie," 3/11/01)

Ah, Fudge! ("Sweet and Sour Marge," 1/20/02)

Toaster Pies

Restaurants

Le Snotterie (fancy French restaurant; "Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase," 5/11/97)

Sha-B00m-Ka-Boom Café (shaped like a mushroom cloud; serves burgers named Little Boy [$3.95] and Fat Man [$12.95]; "Homer Phobia," 2/16/97)

Up, Up and Buffet ("Natural Born Kissers," 5/17/98)

The Singing Sirloin ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)

The Frying Dutchman (12/16/01)

Phineas Q. Butterfat 5600 Flavor Ice Cream Parlor

Lard Lad Donuts (soon to be a deluxe boxed figure)

Wall E. Weasel's (parody of Nolan "Atari" Bushnell's Chuck E. Cheese)

Chez Guevara

Der Krazy Kraut

Facestuffer's

The Gilded Truffle

The French Confection

Fatso's Hash House ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)

The Flapjack Stack

Greaser's Café

The Hungry Hun

The Happy Sumo

Paté LaBelle

Pizza on a Stick

The Rusty Barnacle

P. Piggly Hogswine Super-Smorg

TGI McScratchy's Good Time Fooddrinkery

The Spaghetti Laboratory (parody of The Old Spaghetti Factory)

A Taste of Arabia

Two Guys from Kabul

Palais du Donut

What They Eat in Iceland

The Municipal House of Pancakes

Jittery Joe's Coffee Shop

Much Ado About Muffins (tagline: To Eat or Not to Eat; "My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)

Kentucky Fried Panda

Bloater's at the Squidport (the place to go for Jell-O shooters)

The Karachi Hibachi

Professor P.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery

Planet Springfield ("Lisa the Tree Hugger," 11/19/2000)

At the Mall (and on Main Street)

Kwik-E-Mart

33¢ Store (parody of 99¢ Stores)

66¢ Store

My First Tattoo (tattoos for kids; "My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)

Family Jewels

It's a Wonderful Knife (3/2/97)

I Can't Believe It's Not Trayfe! (store in Krusty the Klown's old neighborhood; parody of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! spread)

Abercrombie & Rich

Wee Monsieur (boys' clothing)

All Creatures Great and Cheap (pet store)

Costington's (the upscale department store)

12-Day Dry Cleaners ("City of New York vs. Homer Simpson," 9/21/97)

99-Cent Furniture (ditto)

House of No Refunds

Malaria Zone ("My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)

The Leftorium (Ned Flanders's store selling products for left-handed people: "When Flanders Failed," 10/3/91)

Sportacus (athletic goods)

Bloodbath & Beyond Gun Shop ("The Cartridge Family," 11/2/97)

Yee's Old Towne (in Chinatown)

Pone, Pelts and Beyond ("Simpsons Tall Tales," 5/20/01)

Simply Shoes (and Athletic Equipment and Activewear) ("The Homer They Fall," 11/10/96)

Miscellaneous, Etc. (ditto)

One Size Fits All Lingerie (ditto)

Toys 'L' Us (toy store in Chinatown; "A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love," 12/2/01)

Shell Shack

Kid Stuff

Li'l Bastard products (the "Acme" brand of The Simpsons; products include Li'l Bastard Catapult, Li'l Bastard Brainwashing Kit, and Li'l Bastard General Mischief Kit)

Thumbstitute (to wean Maggie off her pacifier; 3/13/07)

Junior Skeptic Magazine ("The Springfield Files," 1/12/97)

Malibu Stacy (Barbie parody; accessories include the Malibu Stacy Lunar Rover)

Adults Only

The Golden Banana (male strip joint)

Nude-E-Mart (Apu's combination strip club/convenience store; tagline: Topless Dancers! Bottomless Coffee!; 3/8/98)

Playdude magazine

The Pimento Grove (what passes for sophisticated nightlife in Springfield)

Laramie cigarettes (including Laramie Extra-Tar, "now with more nico-glycerol")

The Gutter Room (bar where Krusty goes on a bender in "The Last Temptation of Krust," 2/22/98)

Blotto's (ditto)

The Bloated Liver (ditto)

Entertainment

Toon Beat magazine

Granny Fanny (magazine found at Springfield Air Force Base)

Sir Putts-a-Lot Merrie Old Fun Center (mini-golf course)

Duff Gardens (parody of Busch Gardens)

Dizz Nee Land

KrustyLu Studios (parody of DesiLu Studios)

Itchy & Scratchy Land (and Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land)

Paramountie Studios (in Canada, eh: 5/18/99)

Canadian Graffiti (parody of American Graffiti; tagline: Obey the Rules)

Biclops (worst-ever superhero; wears glasses)

VHS Village, Formerly Beta Barn

Religion

Presbylutherans

Bed Bath & Baha'i

Movementarianism ("The Joy of Sect," 2/8/98)

Church of Latter-Day Druids ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)

Whiskey a God God (ditto)

Temple Beth Springfield

Cathedral of the Downtown

Transportation

Canyonero (tagline: The Cadillac of Automobiles)

OK Car ral (where Homer bought his Canyonero)

Armistead Mopeds

No-Frills Airlines

SkyAmeriWestica

TransHemispheric Airlines

Li'l Lugger Trailer ("You Only Move Twice," 11/3/96)

U-Break-It Van Rental ("City of New York vs. Homer Simpson," 9/21/97)

Sit-N-Stare Bus Lines ("Realty Bites," 12/7/97)

Technology

Compuglobalhypermeganet (an ISP created by Homer)

America Onlink

Niagular cell phone service

The Java Server (Internet café)

Real Estate

Gritz-Carlton Hotel (hotel in Branson, Missouri, where Abe and Zelda tryst)

Spinster City Apartments (where Marge's sisters Patty and Selma Bouvier live)

Who's to Know Motel

Shtickfair (Krusty's estate; a spoof of Pickfair)

Casa Nova: A Transitional Place for Singles ("A Millhouse Divided," 12/1/96)

Calmwood Mental Hospital (slogan: We Now Treat March Madness!; "Hurricane Neddy," 12/29/96)

Aphrodite Inn--Fantasy Suites & Conference Center

New Haven Uptown Uniplex ("Burns, Baby, Burns," 11/17/96)

New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting

The Happy Earwig Motel

Education

Springfield Knowledgeum (tagline: Where Science Is Explained with Brightly Colored Balls)

Ayn Rand School for Tots ("A Streetcar Named Marge," 10/1/92)

Miss Tillingham's School for Snooty Girls and Mama's Boys

Rommelwood Military Academy (tagline: A Tradition of Heritage)

Disco Stu's Can't Stop the Learnin' Disco Academies ("The Twisted World of Marge Simpson," 1/19/97)

Health and Beauty

Luda-Crest toothpaste (spokesman: rap star Ludacris; sample lyric: "I'm the enemy of the cavity/Unstoppable like gravity"; watch the video)

Loafer Lightener styling product ("Hungry Hungry Homer," 3/4/02)

Hairy Shearers Hair Salon (Harry Shearer is a longtime "voice" on the series)

Old Old Spice (Grandpa Simpson's aftershave)

Meryl Streep's Versatility perfume (tagline: Smell Like Streep for Cheep!; "A Streetcar Named Marge," 10/1/92)

Turn Your Head and Coif (beauty parlor)

The Perm Bank (beauty parlor; "A Milhouse Divided," 12/1/96)

Gee, Your Lip Looks Hairless (mustache wax used by Patty and Selma; "Principal Charming," 2/14/91)

In 'n' Out Ear Piercing (tagline: If It Dangles, We'll Punch a Hole in It; "The Simpson Tide," 3/29/98)

Pee N See Home Pregnancy Test

Nappian (Ambien-like sleeping pill that causes Homer to misbehave even more badly than usual; "Crook and Ladder," 5/6/07)

Repressitol (Milhouse's medication in "Bye Bye Nerdie," 3/11/01)

Financial

Merry Widow Insurance Company

Miscellaneous

Etern-a-Bond adhesive (tagline: Now with Death Grip!; label warning: In Case of Accidental Ingestion Consult a Mortician; "Lost Our Lisa," 5/10/98)

Federated Slaveholding (Mr. Burns is a shareholder; "The Old Man and the Lisa," 4/20/97)

Low Expectations Dating Service ("Selma's Choice," 1/21/93)

A-1 Baby Crutch Company

Dominex knee pads ("Crook and Ladder," 5/6/07)

Cintra Goes Shopping

Whose wonderfully wicked idea was to to unleash Cintra Wilson on "The Critical Shopper" in today's Styles section of the New York Times? Did the Gray Lady's editors think we wouldn't recognize a pink-haired saboteuse when we saw her byline--associated not (as you'd expect) with a story about fetish temple Kiki de Montparnasse or some other SoHo boho bazaar, but above a review of a the haute-haute-haute Valentino boutique on Madison Avenue?

In case you aren't familiar with Cintra Wilson, here's some background. She crashed onto the San Francisco media scene about a decade ago with scathingly hyperbolic, angry, funny, left-of-left columns in the old Hearst-owned Examiner. Since then, she's written a couple of books and contributed essays to Salon and Huffington Post that have been aptly compared to vivisections. She's got attitude, that girl, and the Times has a history of getting squeamish about too much attitude, so one wonders what's up. No complaints, though. In fact: Please, ma'am, may we have some more?

As Lisa Schmeiser observes over at The Rage Diaries (a very fine blog I recommend wholeheartedly), "The Critical Shopper"--a mainstay of what many of us devotees call "the sports section for girls"-- hasn't been notable for its boat-rocking. Today's column, in a word, rocks. Not only that, but, as Lisa points out, "Someone also actually edited Wilson, a process I imagine might require actual use of a whip and a chair, and the results are delightful."

See for yourself:

Valentino appears to see the ideal Society Wife today as a streamlined luxury toddler. Current pieces evoke the Pampered-with-a-capital-P innocence of the nursery, yet defy the vigor of either youth or sex. In the baby-doll dresses, there is no ironic infantilism (that flirty “kinderwhore” cuteness that winks at pedophilia) but a kind of learned helplessness that waves a limp hand at actual infirmity.

And:

I was curious about a beige lace minidress with a jeweled strap over one shoulder ($4,490). Something I might wear to an inaugural toga party? It was spayed yet subversive. In it, I resembled a French Quarter beignet forced to resort to prostitution to support my powdered-sugar habit.

Ooohhh, that's good. Read the whole article right now.

 

Vino Redux

More words from the vineyard and tasting room:

• Wines produced outside of the Napa Valley can no longer use "Napa" in their names, now that the European Union has formally granted geographic indication status to the region. Napa Valley Vintners, a trade group, had been irked by coattail-riders such as the UK's Clos de Napa and Spain's Varon de Napa. (Hat tip to JRC.)
• On the other hand, California wineries see nothing wrong with using European appellations such as Burgundy, Chianti, or Champagne to describe their wines. We can't say sparkling wine, whined Korbel Champagne Cellars owner Gary Heck to NPR's Shirley Skeel: "You go into other parts of the United States [besides California or New York], you ask somebody what sparkling wine is, they're gonna tell you it's wine with club soda added. It would be very detrimental to our brand to put 'sparkling wine' on it."
• And what would you call Port wine (named for the city of Oporto, Portugal) if you couldn't use the P-word? One Central Valley winery, Quady, has risen to the challenge: its Port-style wines are called Starboard--starboard being the nautical opposite of port.
• Another small California winery, Newton Vineyards of St. Helena, found a creative way to advertise in Wine Spectator magazine that probably saved a lot of money: it bought space in the narrow territory between the magazine's binding and the text margin--an area known in the industry as the "gutter." (That's right: wine in the gutter.) The copy reads: "To find wines of this quality, you have to look a little harder." The ads were created by the Los Angeles office of Dentsu America, which, according to an article in the New York Times, boasted that the ads "look as though they are integrated into editorial." That's precisely the problem, complained Roy Peter Clark, a respected blogger and vice president of the Poynter Institute, a journalism school. “It’s interesting that they’re bragging about having pulled a fast one,” said Clark. “Instead of being transparent about the separation between editorial and advertising content, there is an attempt to blur distinctions.”
• Elsewhere in the Times story, it's noted that the current issue of Wine Spectator describes a certain South African cabernet as having notes of “grilled beef, charcoal, hot tar and truffle.” Mm-mm-good!

Angora Fire

Wildfire season has begun ominously early here in California. We're used to fires in September and October, after four or five rainless months, but last winter's near-drought created what the newsfolk like to call "tinderbox conditions." The Angora Fire, which started on June 24, is already the Lake Tahoe area's biggest wildfire in half a century: 3,100 acres consumed, 178 homes and 75 other structures destroyed. Firefighters don't expect to contain the fire until next Tuesday.

As always in California, politics and ecology play starring roles in the current disaster. (An alternate headline for the story could be "Nature bats last.") But my focus is language, so I want to talk about the name of the fire.

Unlike last year's Day Fire, which got its unusual name from the day it started (Labor Day), the Angora Fire was named in more typical fashion: after its geographic origin. The fire area comprises Angora Peak (elev. 8,658 feet), Angora Lake, and Angora Ridge Road. But there's no town named Angora in the vicinity, and "Angora" doesn't show up in the standard California place-name references, including Erwin Gudde's California Place Names: The Origin and Etymology of Current Geographical Names. So the place name's origin is a bit of a mystery, at least to me.

The word "Angora" has an interesting history. It's an old spelling of "Ankara," the capital of modern Turkey; the word comes from Greek ankylos, meaning "anchor" or "bend." Angora the place lent its name to Angora goats, known for their soft fur (which is spun into angora yarn); Angora cats and rabbits were named after the goats. There's an Angora in Oregon that was named in 1898 for the Angora goats a homesteader was raising nearby. It's possible that the various California places called Angora were named for a similar reason. But I'm guessing: if you know otherwise, please leave a comment and enlighten us all.

However it came to be attached to Lake Tahoe, Angora is a lovely, historic word that will have tragic associations for many years.

Photo of Angora Peak and Indian Rock Fallen Leaf Lodge, 1932, from Pomona Public Library.

In Vino Verbosity

Wine writers are different from you and me; they use worse metaphors:

British wine expert Michael Broadbent once likened a wine's bouquet to the smell of schoolgirls' uniforms (no, he wasn't arrested). And the late Auberon (son of Evelyn) Waugh, in his wine column for Britain's Tatler, described one wine as smelling of "a dead chrysanthemum on the grave of a still-born West Indian baby" (no, he wasn't fired, but he and his editor, Tina Brown, were brought before the Press Council to answer charges of insensitivity).

From "Cherries, Berries, Asphalt, and Jam: Why Wine Writers Talk That Way," by Mike Steinberger, in Slate. A thoughtful consideration of the challenges of writing about wine, the article includes a link to Textism's spoof of the genre, e.g.:

Chateau Lerys 1996
Fitou

Po-faced and a bit snide at first, it picks up slow speed before gallumphing to a springy sunlight-on-hot-chrome apex, then splitting into rusty metal ringlets that roll and roll and gradually wobble off like the discounted hula hoops in The Hudsucker Proxy. Dominant notes of aspirin and cake.

 

Another Vote Against (and Also For) Passion

Heather Havrilesky in Salon.com:

"Passion." What an unsavory word! A perfectly nice word, really, that's been poisoned by the people who overuse it, people who run around announcing to anyone who'll listen, "I'm a very passionate person!"

Unless that statement is uttered by a preteen drama student or a Brazilian or an abstract painter three glasses into a bottle of red wine, it's tantamount to saying, "My head is so full of thoughts!" or "I just love puppies!" or declaring Wallace Stegner a great writer, as if to suggest he was just an unfocused drunk scribbling away in his journal until you came along. It's like saying, in a conspiratorial tone, "I'm such a sexual person" or "Music affects me at such a deep level" or "I breathe oxygen" or "I walk on two feet and eat food and sleep in a bed at night."

Read the rest of the story, about the genuine passion of the contestants on "So You Think You Can Dance" and "Top Chef." Just one more snippet, because it's so good I can't help myself:

Despite the bad outfits, despite the screaming preteens in the audience, despite the "Vote for me!" hamming of the contestants, despite the alienating "Meet your dancers!" routines, with their excess of cheesy, exaggerated grooving, this is a competition that hinges on passion. Each performance, whether it's a contemporary extravaganza of tangled limbs and faux-passionate emoting or a faux-passionate Argentine tango or a romantic, graceful faux-passionate waltz, depends on the real passion of the dancers involved.

Read my own rant, "Our Passion Is Your Problem." 

What's New at Wordworking.com

My "official" web site, Wordworking.com, has just relaunched with new navigation, new projects, and a new About Me page, which now includes a Not About Me section.

Many thanks to Lynn Bell at Monroe Street Studios, who designed and programmed the site.

Stingy Startups Try DIY Naming, with Predictable Results

"Internet start-ups seem to be having as much trouble acquiring domain names as they do venture financing," writes Scott Austin in "What's in a Domain Name?" (please stop using this tired headline!) at Dow Jones MarketWatch.

Nowadays, these start-ups are built on the cheap, employing shoestring budgets by leasing inexpensive computer servers and using low-cost software. The last thing they want to spend big money on is a name. A Web identity is imperative, but these firms don't have tens of thousands of dollars to hire a naming specialist, to say nothing of the cost of acquiring a cybersquatted domain.

Point of clarification here. Two points, actually. It doesn't have to cost "tens of thousands of dollars" to hire a professional namer. Many of us independent namers do very good work for fees in the high four figures to low five figures. Likewise, acquiring a cybersquatted domain is often cheaper than you'd think--if you get some professional help. The last domain transfer I facilitated cost $2,500--and that was for a real-word dot-com URL. My client (yes, a start-up) considered it a bargain.

Austin goes on to say that the DIY approach is resulting in some "bizarre" names like Tapatap Inc., which this month "raised $2.5 million to back a new Web site that lets users participate from a mobile device in hundreds of head-to-head photo contests like 'Cutest Pet' or 'Best '80s T-Shirt.'":

On its Web site, Tapatap takes more than 300 words rationalizing its name, while conceding a real motivation: "Finding a cool name that isn't being squatted on these days is nearly impossible! We must have searched at least a hundred different names that we liked only to find generic place holder pages, or worse, nothing at all. Of course, as soon as we showed interest, the domain owners instantly saw stratospheric value. We'd rather save our money for important things like dry erase markers and toilet paper."

Gee, a whole hundred different names (as opposed, perhaps, to a hundred identical names)? Obviously no one told these guys that fewer than 10 percent of all names on any list will prove to be legally available. Professional namers would be embarrassed to create a list containing so few names. For most of my naming assignments I generate between 750 and 1,000 names--and sometimes a whole lot more. (I'm assisted by a couple of ace team members.) And I don't quit till the client is happy.

Austin suggests that startups use a random name generator like this one. Good luck--the first six "random" names I tested for domain availability (Aptomix, Eurocast, Idage, Telenetix, Pacscope, Genware) were taken. Of course, there's always iThermonetiche. Totally available. Stupid and unpronounceable, but available.

Hat tip to Going Like Sixty, who mentioned the article in a comment. Thanks!

A Name Should Mean Something

POPwink, a naming and branding blog, writes about a corporate name change that seems to make sense.

Bacou-Dalloz, the Paris-based maker of "personal protection equipment," announced last week that it's changing its name to Sperian.

So far, so good. I doubt that non-Francophones have much of a clue about how to pronounce "Bacou-Dalloz," and "Sperian" has that bland multinational look so in vogue these days.

But here's how the company explains the new name:

With a balance of strong and soft sounds, the name Sperian evokes both the expertise of a Group specialized in the protection of people at work and the relationship of trust between a worker and his equipment, as well as between the Group and its customers.

POPwink asks:

What is in the name Sperian that, “evokes both the expertise of a Group specialized in the protection of people at work and the relationship of trust between a worker and his equipment, as well as between the Group and its customers“? Is Sperian derived from experience, or spear (protection), or Ian (Ian Fleming, author of James Bond Novels, the protector of the free world )?

My own first guess was that "Sperian" came from Spanish esperar (French espoir)--"to hope" or "to expect" -- as in, "Let's hope this hardhat really does protect your cranium from sharp falling objects and that you never, ever sue us."

Maybe the sp- consonant blend stands for "speed." Or "spectacular."

Maybe it's all of the above. The trouble is, Bacou-Dalloz doesn't seem to know.

As I've said before, your corporate or product name is the title of your story. Besides being easy to spell, pronounce, and remember, it needs to mean something. And everyone in your company needs to know what that "something" is.

Without the underlying story, your name--no matter how well researched and focus-grouped--is just a label.

With the story, your name stands a chance of becoming a brand that sticks.