Remember sea monkeys, the "dream pets" you grew from crystals? Venus Breeze, the Gillette razor brand, has created what you might call sea mankeys: customizable versions of "the perfect guy" you keep "in your very own Venus® Breeze™ ManQuarium." (For those of you keeping score, "ManQuarium" is an official addition to the man-word dictionary. I'm not sure I want "sea mankeys" to survive beyond this post.)
Trust me, it gets weirder. You go to the Manquarium website, select "more fun stuff," enter your name, and then--honestly, I'm just reading what it says--"Use your goddess-given powers to customize your guy's appearance. Click the arrows until you found a guy you like. Then you can even upload a photo of your guy's face."
Feeling as though I'd stumbled upon the toon version of J-Date, I "browsed the bods" as instructed. Oddly, all the "bods" looked the same--uniformly buff and, perhaps not surprisingly, hairless--although the faces varied. I nicknamed them Surfer Dude, Slacker Guy, Master of the Universe, Sleepy Geek, and Mini-Shaq. (Ooohh, so hard to be a goddess.) I picked Sleepy Geek and answered four questions about our "relationship." One more click and there he was, my li'l dweeby guy, wearing board shorts and floating around in the virtual ManQuarium. Every so often he/it would tap the "glass" and murmur sweet customized nothings: "Did you just say you love me ... or do I have water in my ears?" "Your beauty makes me so dizzy ... I'm seein' starfish!" "This ManQuarium is so ... deep!"
And even: "Hey, Nancy--when you were gone I said your name one million times out loud. And I never got sick of the sound." Oh, behave!
You'll find the ManQuarium at the corner of Cute St. and Creepy Blvd., and if that's where you like to hang out, I won't judge. Me, I'm waiting for the return of Brawny Man.