Simpsons Brand-o-Rama

I was inspired by linguist Heidi Harley's catalog of Simpsons linguistic phenomena to start a parallel list for us namers and branders of fictitious brand names used on episodes of The Simpsons.

It's a tough job--much tougher than I'd imagined--and, frankly, nobody has to do it. Nevertheless, I did it. Or at least took a preliminary stab. The job was made somewhat easier by the gnomes of Wikipedia, the Simpson Crazy fan site, and this directory of Springfield.

There's a backlog of episodes whose scripts still haven't been uploaded to fan sites, and I didn't begin taking notes until this year, so the list is weighted toward the 1990s. Dates, when provided, refer to an episode's first airing. And yes, this is a work in progress, so feel free to add a comment with your own favorites.

Food and Beverage

Duff Beer (also Duff Lite)

Squishee (crushed-ice beverage sold at the Kwik-E-Mart)

Buzz Cola (also Crystal Buzz Cola)

Mellow Yellow, Mr. Ripe, Peel King (banana brands; "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson," 5/18/97)

Red Tick Beer (tagline: Suck One Dry; "The Springfield Files," 1/12/97)

Powersauce Bar (tagline: Unleash the Power of Apples; label copy: "A bushel of apples packed in each bar, plus a secret ingredient that unleashes the awesome power of apples"; "King of the Hill," 5/3/98 [predating the animated series of the same name])

Stabby O's cereal ("Bye Bye Nerdie," 3/11/01)

Ah, Fudge! ("Sweet and Sour Marge," 1/20/02)

Toaster Pies

Restaurants

Le Snotterie (fancy French restaurant; "Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase," 5/11/97)

Sha-B00m-Ka-Boom Café (shaped like a mushroom cloud; serves burgers named Little Boy [$3.95] and Fat Man [$12.95]; "Homer Phobia," 2/16/97)

Up, Up and Buffet ("Natural Born Kissers," 5/17/98)

The Singing Sirloin ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)

The Frying Dutchman (12/16/01)

Phineas Q. Butterfat 5600 Flavor Ice Cream Parlor

Lard Lad Donuts (soon to be a deluxe boxed figure)

Wall E. Weasel's (parody of Nolan "Atari" Bushnell's Chuck E. Cheese)

Chez Guevara

Der Krazy Kraut

Facestuffer's

The Gilded Truffle

The French Confection

Fatso's Hash House ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)

The Flapjack Stack

Greaser's Café

The Hungry Hun

The Happy Sumo

Paté LaBelle

Pizza on a Stick

The Rusty Barnacle

P. Piggly Hogswine Super-Smorg

TGI McScratchy's Good Time Fooddrinkery

The Spaghetti Laboratory (parody of The Old Spaghetti Factory)

A Taste of Arabia

Two Guys from Kabul

Palais du Donut

What They Eat in Iceland

The Municipal House of Pancakes

Jittery Joe's Coffee Shop

Much Ado About Muffins (tagline: To Eat or Not to Eat; "My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)

Kentucky Fried Panda

Bloater's at the Squidport (the place to go for Jell-O shooters)

The Karachi Hibachi

Professor P.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery

Planet Springfield ("Lisa the Tree Hugger," 11/19/2000)

At the Mall (and on Main Street)

Kwik-E-Mart

33¢ Store (parody of 99¢ Stores)

66¢ Store

My First Tattoo (tattoos for kids; "My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)

Family Jewels

It's a Wonderful Knife (3/2/97)

I Can't Believe It's Not Trayfe! (store in Krusty the Klown's old neighborhood; parody of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! spread)

Abercrombie & Rich

Wee Monsieur (boys' clothing)

All Creatures Great and Cheap (pet store)

Costington's (the upscale department store)

12-Day Dry Cleaners ("City of New York vs. Homer Simpson," 9/21/97)

99-Cent Furniture (ditto)

House of No Refunds

Malaria Zone ("My Sister, My Sitter," 3/2/97)

The Leftorium (Ned Flanders's store selling products for left-handed people: "When Flanders Failed," 10/3/91)

Sportacus (athletic goods)

Bloodbath & Beyond Gun Shop ("The Cartridge Family," 11/2/97)

Yee's Old Towne (in Chinatown)

Pone, Pelts and Beyond ("Simpsons Tall Tales," 5/20/01)

Simply Shoes (and Athletic Equipment and Activewear) ("The Homer They Fall," 11/10/96)

Miscellaneous, Etc. (ditto)

One Size Fits All Lingerie (ditto)

Toys 'L' Us (toy store in Chinatown; "A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love," 12/2/01)

Shell Shack

Kid Stuff

Li'l Bastard products (the "Acme" brand of The Simpsons; products include Li'l Bastard Catapult, Li'l Bastard Brainwashing Kit, and Li'l Bastard General Mischief Kit)

Thumbstitute (to wean Maggie off her pacifier; 3/13/07)

Junior Skeptic Magazine ("The Springfield Files," 1/12/97)

Malibu Stacy (Barbie parody; accessories include the Malibu Stacy Lunar Rover)

Adults Only

The Golden Banana (male strip joint)

Nude-E-Mart (Apu's combination strip club/convenience store; tagline: Topless Dancers! Bottomless Coffee!; 3/8/98)

Playdude magazine

The Pimento Grove (what passes for sophisticated nightlife in Springfield)

Laramie cigarettes (including Laramie Extra-Tar, "now with more nico-glycerol")

The Gutter Room (bar where Krusty goes on a bender in "The Last Temptation of Krust," 2/22/98)

Blotto's (ditto)

The Bloated Liver (ditto)

Entertainment

Toon Beat magazine

Granny Fanny (magazine found at Springfield Air Force Base)

Sir Putts-a-Lot Merrie Old Fun Center (mini-golf course)

Duff Gardens (parody of Busch Gardens)

Dizz Nee Land

KrustyLu Studios (parody of DesiLu Studios)

Itchy & Scratchy Land (and Euro & Itchy Scratchy Land)

Paramountie Studios (in Canada, eh: 5/18/99)

Canadian Graffiti (parody of American Graffiti; tagline: Obey the Rules)

Biclops (worst-ever superhero; wears glasses)

VHS Village, Formerly Beta Barn

Religion

Presbylutherans

Bed Bath & Baha'i

Movementarianism ("The Joy of Sect," 2/8/98)

Church of Latter-Day Druids ("She of Little Faith," 12/16/01)

Whiskey a God God (ditto)

Temple Beth Springfield

Cathedral of the Downtown

Transportation

Canyonero (tagline: The Cadillac of Automobiles)

OK Car ral (where Homer bought his Canyonero)

Armistead Mopeds

No-Frills Airlines

SkyAmeriWestica

TransHemispheric Airlines

Li'l Lugger Trailer ("You Only Move Twice," 11/3/96)

U-Break-It Van Rental ("City of New York vs. Homer Simpson," 9/21/97)

Sit-N-Stare Bus Lines ("Realty Bites," 12/7/97)

Technology

Compuglobalhypermeganet (an ISP created by Homer)

America Onlink

Niagular cell phone service

The Java Server (Internet café)

Real Estate

Gritz-Carlton Hotel (hotel in Branson, Missouri, where Abe and Zelda tryst)

Spinster City Apartments (where Marge's sisters Patty and Selma Bouvier live)

Who's to Know Motel

Shtickfair (Krusty's estate; a spoof of Pickfair)

Casa Nova: A Transitional Place for Singles ("A Millhouse Divided," 12/1/96)

Calmwood Mental Hospital (slogan: We Now Treat March Madness!; "Hurricane Neddy," 12/29/96)

Aphrodite Inn--Fantasy Suites & Conference Center

New Haven Uptown Uniplex ("Burns, Baby, Burns," 11/17/96)

New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting

The Happy Earwig Motel

Education

Springfield Knowledgeum (tagline: Where Science Is Explained with Brightly Colored Balls)

Ayn Rand School for Tots ("A Streetcar Named Marge," 10/1/92)

Miss Tillingham's School for Snooty Girls and Mama's Boys

Rommelwood Military Academy (tagline: A Tradition of Heritage)

Disco Stu's Can't Stop the Learnin' Disco Academies ("The Twisted World of Marge Simpson," 1/19/97)

Health and Beauty

Luda-Crest toothpaste (spokesman: rap star Ludacris; sample lyric: "I'm the enemy of the cavity/Unstoppable like gravity"; watch the video)

Loafer Lightener styling product ("Hungry Hungry Homer," 3/4/02)

Hairy Shearers Hair Salon (Harry Shearer is a longtime "voice" on the series)

Old Old Spice (Grandpa Simpson's aftershave)

Meryl Streep's Versatility perfume (tagline: Smell Like Streep for Cheep!; "A Streetcar Named Marge," 10/1/92)

Turn Your Head and Coif (beauty parlor)

The Perm Bank (beauty parlor; "A Milhouse Divided," 12/1/96)

Gee, Your Lip Looks Hairless (mustache wax used by Patty and Selma; "Principal Charming," 2/14/91)

In 'n' Out Ear Piercing (tagline: If It Dangles, We'll Punch a Hole in It; "The Simpson Tide," 3/29/98)

Pee N See Home Pregnancy Test

Nappian (Ambien-like sleeping pill that causes Homer to misbehave even more badly than usual; "Crook and Ladder," 5/6/07)

Repressitol (Milhouse's medication in "Bye Bye Nerdie," 3/11/01)

Financial

Merry Widow Insurance Company

Miscellaneous

Etern-a-Bond adhesive (tagline: Now with Death Grip!; label warning: In Case of Accidental Ingestion Consult a Mortician; "Lost Our Lisa," 5/10/98)

Federated Slaveholding (Mr. Burns is a shareholder; "The Old Man and the Lisa," 4/20/97)

Low Expectations Dating Service ("Selma's Choice," 1/21/93)

A-1 Baby Crutch Company

Dominex knee pads ("Crook and Ladder," 5/6/07)

Comments

[Our Bold Hero]

Left-Mart in the episode "Home Away from Homer" was amusing. (Flanders: "business has been pretty slow since that chain store moved in.")

[Flick]

There was also Fudd beer, IIRC, from the episode where Homer takes off for some reason, meets a country singer and becomes her agent (complete with white suit and hat).

[Jared]

This list literally had me crying at work. I might have missed these above, but my two favorites are

Try N' Save

Pay and Park and Pay

[Dene]

I loved this! But I had to add one of my favorites, which Grandpa Simpson uses on his hair

Lucky Lindy's Hair Pomade (tagline: You'll never fly solo again!)

[Pete Krawczyk]

Wikipedia also has a comprehensive list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_products_in_The_Simpsons
Personally, my favorite is "Chippos", which my wife and I use at home to reference any bag of chips we have in the kitchen.

[Christian]

Another for the healthy & beauty section: Focusin, the ADD drug that Bart is given.

[Karl Weber]

Don't forget Marge Simpson's favorite advice magazine: FRETFUL MOTHER

Karl--In the words of Mr. Burns: Oohhh, excellent! -- Nancy

[DavidGriner]

In the Flaming Moe's episode, a knockoff restaurant opens called "Flaming Meaux." That's always been one of my favorites.

[Seymour Butz]

Don't forget Maison Derriere ("Are they talkin' about the bordello?" "No, the burlesque house!"). And then there was the short-lived Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag (which narrowly escaped being named Chairman Moe's Magic Wok or Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker).

Bloodbath and Beyond made me lose it. :)

[Michael]

This list isn't complete without the kitchen store named Stoner's Pot Palace. Otto's comment: "Man, that is flagrant false advertising!"

[James]

I second the Fudd Beer, "that made all those hillbillies go blind". Also, there were Krusty O's Cereal, "Now with a free jagged metal o in every box".

[Jordan]

This has some overlap with existing lists at The Simpsons Archive (http://www.snpp.com/):

Springfield City Profile (http://snpp.com/guides/city.profile.html)
Springfield: King of All Media (http://snpp.com/guides/springfield.media.html)
Springfield Vacation (http://snpp.com/guides/vacation.html)

Still, you should submit your list to them!

Jordan--Thanks! I know about snpp.com, of course (it's in my blogroll), but obviously hadn't followed all of its myriad byways. -- Nancy

[Joe Clark]

You mean Hairy Shearers.

Joe--I certainly do. Fixed now. Thanks! -- Nancy

[Nancy]

Pete--Yes, that was one of my Wikipedia sources. Thanks for providing the link!

Flick--The episode was called "Colonel Homer," and the country singer ("Lurleen") was voiced by Beverly D'Angelo.

Dene, Jared, Our Bold Hero--Great additions! Thanks!

[Nancy]

Hi Seymour (do you have Prince Albert in the can?)--That was a terrific episode ("Bart After Dark"), and thanks for the reminder about Maison Derriere. Here's a link to the song lyrics: http://www.area51newmexico.com/simpsons/simpsons_spring.html

[Joe]

I can't remember the episodes, but I remember a few more:

Pool Sharks - Where the customer is our chum!

Flowers By Irene (although this might not count, since it was an FBI cover rather than an actual business).

[Chris]

Jittery Joe's may actually be an homage to a existing coffee house rather than a Simpson's trope. I cannot speculate as to the writer's particular knowledge, but Neutral Milk Hotel recorded a live album at said establishment. I'd name the location, but I'm in Africa right now and the cs is... well, not.

[Jon]

Don't forget the hair regrowing tonic Homer used: Dimoxinil.

[Neal Whitman]

I liked the cutlery store called Alternative Knifestyles in the episode where Homer finds himself in the gay part of town.

[Nancy]

Neal -- Good one. There were a bunch of stores in the gay neighborhood; I especially liked Armistead's Mopeds, a play on Armistead Maupin ("Tales of the City").

[TonyH]

How about the hammock stores of Cypress Creek: Hammock Hut, Hammocks-R-Us, Put-Your-Butt-There and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Plus Mary Ann's Hammocks, where Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.

[tanyasingsdido]

I might be misremembering, but how about Monstromart: "where shopping is a baffling ordeal"?

[Nancy]

Tanyasingsdido--You recall correctly. Monstromart made an appearance in a 1994 episode that featured James Woods: http://www.simpsoncrazy.com/episodeguide.php?episode=1F10
Thanks! -- Nancy

[George Cauldron]

What! No mention of "Gorilla's Choice" brand bananas?

(Chief Wiggum's boys use their stickers to decorate the police radio board.)

[sgazzetti]

Oddly: there really is a Golden Banana (presumed to be a male strippertorium, but I never checked) on Rt. 128 north of Boston.

This list makes me so happy. Thanks for doing all that hard work.